What Does It Mean???????

Sorry, I have too much work to do today for a long post, so, I am going to let Foxtrot do my blog for me today. GREAT stuff!!

If you click on the comic, it will make it big enough for you to read if you are having trouble.

Also, if you don’t know why I put this up, go read my post from a few days ago here.

My Milkshake/PSA

Man, you guys hit this blog like it’s a twitter account sometimes waiting for my new post of the day. Hold on, baby birds, I’ll feed you.

First off, I would like to start my day with a little PSA for all you health conscience people.

1)      Do not EVER buy this kind of ice cream:

It is horrible!!!  It is like trying to eat chocolate frozen chewing gum.

2)      If you do happen to buy that kind of ice cream,  DO NOT  try it, decide you don’t like it, leave it sitting in your freezer for 4 years and one night decide you are really desperate for some ice cream, go pull it out and decide to eat it 3 years after the expiration date.

PLEASE, take my word on this one. That was single handedly the worst 12 hours of my life, and my stomach is still rumbling (not out of hunger) today. I had NO idea the human digestive system could hold that much nasty disgustingness that it is desperate to evacuate out of your body. I could go A LOT more into detail about the damage I have sustained and how horrible it was, but I will drop it there and let you use your imagination. It was BAD!!

Now, on to the better reading part of the blog.

I have often thought through my life that I should really write a book. I’m sure I am not alone in this kind of thinking. I’m sure a lot of people think they could write a pretty good book if they had the time, but I am not most people. I honestly think I could if I could take a good amount of time off work to sit down and do it. I’m sure my book would get torn to shreds in most literary classes of most colleges and some better than average high schools, but I bet a lot of people would be able to relate and find humor in something that came out of my very unique mind.

I know, I am being so humble at the moment. Mega-Babe loves it when I do this, but I honestly think I could pull this off.

The question is though, what kind of book would I write? What would it be titled? Would it be fiction and based loosely on me and my own life? Or would it be non-fiction and I just tell my not too abnormal of a life in a manner that people could relate too and maybe even be inspired by. I mean, if a 5’4” guy who’s parents thought he was a midget as a little boy who overcame his height and all odds, married the prettiest girl in the world, had the most gorgeous kids in the world, and managed to become not terribly successful financially but still lives in a nice house with lots of nice things doesn’t inspire you, what could? I guess I should have said “The questions are….” I wouldn’t want my literary correct wife or my English teacher mother to be disappointed in the colossal literary mistake I made at the beginning of this paragraph.

I figure a book written by me could be titled something like, “What the Heck Are You Laughing At?” or “Your Average Moron” or “Lazy and Skinny” or “Memoires of a 5’4” Guy Who is Hairy Like a Chimp” or “I Crack Myself Up” or as some people at work like to call me, “Odd Little Man.”

What about you? What kind of book would you write? What would it be called? Or, to stay on my favorite topic, me, what would a book about me or loosely based on me be called? Whichever you prefer.

I know, my book could be called “My Milkshake Brings All the Girls to the Yard.” Sorry, I couldn’t resist. How could a song that is as ridiculous as that not be the title of a book about me?

Farewell to Bromance

I have had a heavy heart lately, boys and girls. Rarely in my life have I received news that saddens me as much as my most recent crisis. I find myself curled up in a fetal position weeping openly late at night (This really annoys Mega-Babe, but I just can’t help myself). I scarcely have the will to even get out of bed anymore…..more so than usual. The thought of facing the world seems just too much to bear. In short, my world will possibly never be the same.

I feel as though I am typing an obituary, but alas, no one close to me has gone to meet their maker recently, thank goodness, but in light of the heartache it has caused me, this person might as well be dead to me.

Again, my rambling is going to carry on and on and not tell anyone what it is that I am talking about. I am referring to the fact that Dubb has found a different job and will no longer be my carpool buddy.

This may not seem like the worst thing in the world, but to find a good carpool buddy is no easy task. To find one that is as great as Dubb is downright impossible.

Call it a bromance. Call us bromosexuals if you want, but Dubby Wubby is my carpool soul mate. I have been commuting to work for over 10 years now, and I actually find a lot of humor and things to laugh at in my commute. You have to, or you will go crazy. There are very few people in the entire world that find the same things funny as I do, but with Dubb, I can start laughing at something, and without me hinting at what it is, Dubb will chime in, “Did you see that guy?? He looked like he was the blob from the shoulders up!”

One day, we were sitting at a light and there was a car next to us where the guy looked like he was completely zoned out almost to the point of comatose and drooling on himself. All I said was, “Dubb, who am I?” and I just got the same dumb look on my face. Without hesitation, Dubb didn’t even look back at the guy and said, “That guy.”

Spot on!!

We even have the same words that we hate to hear anyone use. A lot of the words are used by members of our church and it drives us crazy. Things like succor. Like, “They succored the weak and afflicted.”

Or supplication. “They spent their days in prayer and supplication to the Lord.”

Those word make us SO uncomfortable.

Here is a list of other words we hate to hear:

Coinage

Onus

Warm

Moist

Squirt

Tender

Broth

Slacks

Portrait

Chi

Sour (when used in conjunction with “tummy”)

Tummy (when used in conjunction with “sour”)

Discharge (not when used regarding firearms, you got it?)

“Bro-ham!”

Seep

Paradigm

Meander

Knead

Po-Po (slang for police)

And finally putting “izzle” into any word. Like “Fo shizzle, yo.”

Most of the stuff that we laugh at together, I would never put on this blog because it would definitely ruin most people’s opinion of me. Not to mention that my mom, grandma, and a few minors read this blog and it is just not always appropriate. But it makes us laugh, and we are not hurting anyone.

Both my wife and Dubb’s wife, Sweeney love that we ride together because we kind of take the edge off bad days on the way home before we face our families so we are not taking our bad day home usually. Dubb call’s me cheap therapy. I couldn’t agree more.

I will miss you, Dubby. I hope we can work together again soon. In the meantime, I hate you now for leaving me.

The Silence is Deafening

The blog has been nagging at me lately. I can hear it calling my name every single day saying, “Don’t forget about me, Lil Buddy!” The past few weeks have been close to hell, but I won’t bore you with all that. But I think I can start posting again. Probably not every day, but I don’t think a couple of times a week is too much to ask. I recently got a laptop from work which should make blogging a little easier since I won’t have to sit at a desk to do it. I can plop down on the couch and pound something out, however ridiculous and boring it may be.

This last weekend, Mega-Babe and I got a rare night out alone without any of the kids. Mega-Babe surprised me with tickets to go see my favorite comic, Brian Regan. Isn’t she great??? I had been very sick last week, and Mega-Babe was wondering if she should list the tickets online to sell, but I wasn’t missing the chance to see Regan live no matter how sick I was.

We started off the night going out to eat. We had a gift certificate to a place called Rib City, but we got there and the wait to get a table was asinine. So we decided to go ahead and drive up to where the show was being held and find a place to eat there. After driving around for a while, we ended up eating at Subway. Not the most romantic dinner in the world, but I love their chicken marinara melt so it worked out.

As a little background to this story, as I have mentioned in the past, I go to the LDS church. I’m a Mormon. I sometimes forget the mystery and intrigue this can stir up in people when they find out about my religious affiliation. I have gotten many questions, some good, some ludicrous, over the years about the church and what we can and can’t do.

“So, you guys don’t drink any coffee or tea???”

Nope

“Do you really pay 10% of your income in tithing?”

Yep

“So, do you have to have approval from your bishop to go to the temple?”

Yep

“How many wives do you have?”

Only one and it is going to stay that way. The practice of polygamy will actually get you excommunicated from the church and probably arrested…. at least in some states. Besides, I can barely manage having one family. To have 6 or 7, I think I would throw myself off a cliff. Not that I don’t love my family dearly, but seriously??? More than one wife…..whew, makes me nauseous to think about.

Anyway, while we were sitting in Subway, two of the people who worked there were talking about the church. One of them, the guy, was a member of the church, and the girl was not. No joking this is what the girl asked the guy:

“Will they ban you from the church for swearing??”

Geez Louise I hope not. I would have gotten banned a LONG time ago. I swear more than any Mormon that I know. Not that it is something to be proud of. I have just been doing it for so long that it is infused into my brain. Even when I am censoring myself because of the company I might be in, it doesn’t mean I am not swearing in my thoughts.

I was baptized into the church when I was 8 years old, and I am quite positive that I knew several swear words even way back then. So my life as a Mormon would have been over before it even started if they banned people for swearing.

Granted, this girl who asked the question was probably only 16-17 years old and dumber than two boxes of rocks, but that was a dumb question. They say there are no dumb questions, but I would have to disagree with that tidbit of wisdom. There are stupid questions, so do a little thinking before you speak.

Like I am one to talk. I am the king of putting my foot in my mouth and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, but I can still make fun of the stupidity of others. It is what gets me through my day.

Mega-Babe and I just sat there eavesdropping and trying not to just laugh right out loud.

There will be more to come about this little night out on the town. I got a good bit of blog material on this night.

Random Silliness

You know how every once in a while, you will see some story about how someone saw the image of the Virgin Mary in their pancake and people flock from miles around to see this in hopes that it will miraculously heal any ailment they may be suffering: bunions, ingrown toenails, hemorrhoids, etc.

Well, I saw such an apparition, not once, but twice on the same car. Its kind of hard to see, but you can see both images:

As soon as I saw it, I felt completely healed….of the bad mood I was in that day because I immediately started to laugh.

Switching gears, I am going to reveal yet another disturbing fact about myself that most people would find unthinkable. Have you ever walked into the bathroom and saw this:

And been tempted to grab the persons leg and pull them off the throne (or thunder mug, whatever you prefer to call it, and thank you to the people who pointed out to me that I used thrown instead of throne. I don’t have a professional editor to read through these blogs first to check for mistakes.) to the point of the person being sprawled out on the bathroom floor on their back with their pants around their ankles and then just take off running??

Again, probably just something that I think would be funny.

Writers Block

This doesn’t happen to me very often, but I am having a bit of writers block. The creative juices just aren’t flowing. What is a blogger to do when this happens? Post a lame video and hope it will suffice:

Musical Pesto

 I consider myself to be a lover of all kinds of music. Growing up, if I was ever with my dad, we were listening to country music. So I grew up listening to and loving music by such artists as George Jones, Don Williams, Hank Williams Jr,, The Oak Ridge Boys, Randy Travis, and lets not forget the greatest, George Strait (I know Halo just went a little weak in the knees at the very mention of that name)

But I also had a lot of influence from my mom who listened more to oldies music. As a result, to this day, I love listening to Elvis, Marvin Gaye (actually a lot of Motown), The Beatles, Beach Boys, Jim Croce (though, he might be considered a little country, I’m not sure). Also, because of my mom, I really like Barry Manilow. I feel like I am telling a dirty little secret by saying that, but I can’t help it. It makes me think of growing up, my mom would blast Barry Manilow while we were cleaning the house.

My mom also liked the music from classic movies like Singing in the Rain. She honestly thought that those movies were how life should be, that people should all of a sudden break out into song and dance. I disagree. I know that I would get incredibly weirded out if everyone around me all of a sudden started singing and dancing on tables and things like that, but the music itself was never lost on me. I like a lot of show tunes.

Then I had the influence of the friends I had as a kid, which tended to get me into certain kinds of rap music but mainly hard rock, and I mean HARD rock. Some of it was a little milder like Pearl Jam and Sound Garden and Red Hot Chili Peppers, but then I got into heavier music like Metallica and Primus and even Pantera.

Some of the rock that I listened to was more classic rock like Lynyrd Skynyrd, CCR, Cream (most things by Eric Clapton), etc.

My point in telling you all this is that I think that I have a VERY well rounded musical repertoire. I like Frank Sinatra. I like Les Miserables. I even like the Evita soundtrack which some circles might take that to mean that I am gay, but I can’t help it. It is good

Mega-Babe and I do not agree on hardly any kind of music, which is fine. We have some things that we both enjoy, but for the most part, she will roll her eyes at some of the music I keep on my mp3 player, but I can’t help it. If I hear a song that I like, I can’t make myself not like it. If it is pleasing to my ears, I will listen to it.

But there is one band that is the pesto of bands to me. Like in Seinfeld when George is upset because everybody talks about how great pesto is, but that he doesn’t like it and feels like he is an outcast just because he doesn’t like pesto. The pesto band for me is Led Zeppelin. I feel like everyone likes Led Zeppelin. They are this great band who are rock legends and anybody worth their salt when it comes to rock music is a fan of Led Zeppelin.

Being older now, the approval of my peers means considerably less to me than it once did. As a matter of fact, I just don’t care what people think of my taste in music.

Now, I do take comfort, however, in knowing that Mega-Babe most definitely does not like Led Zeppelin .I think I am safe in saying that my grandma and probably my mom and dad don’t either, but in my friend circles, I don’t ever want to mention it because I don’t want the question posed to me, “How can you not like Zeppelin???”

Sorry, I just don’t. I do have some of their music on my mp3 player. I don’t know why. Maybe I was hoping that if I listen to them a bit more, I would like them, but I just find that every time one of their songs comes up in the queue, I just skip past it.

Wow, I feel so liberated. My dirty secret is out in the open. I know, this may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, but for a man of my musical prowess and a man that likes so many different types and styles of music, this just seemed like a shameful thing. But I will not give in to the pesto. I don’t like it and I don’t have to eat it. You can’t make me.

Redbox Appreciation Hour

A while back, I got what I thought was a fantastically lovely e-mail from Redbox saying that they wanted me to enjoy a free one night rental of a Redbox movie.

Dear Customer,

We understand that some redbox locations in your area were full as the high number of DVDs redbox rented over the New Year’s holiday were returned. We apologize if you experienced a problem returning your movie. You may contact us via email at questions@redbox.com if you have any questions or concerns.

As our thanks to you as a loyal customer, we’d like you to enjoy a movie on redbox. Please use this code RBX2NITE to receive a free one night rental*.

We appreciate your patronage and look forward to sharing great movies with you this year!

Sincerely,

redbox

So I kept this on hand and figured I would use it on a rainy day. Little did I know that I should have read the fine print at the bottom (I will make the print a little less fine so all you old fogies don’t need to waste time getting your reading glasses):

*Offer expires 11:59 PM Central, January 7, 2010

Oh, darn, I didn’t use it in time. I wonder how long I had to use that code from the time I got it until it expired. Well, here is the time stamp from the e-mail they sent me:

Thursday, January 7, 2010 4:28 PM

WOW!! So, Redbox appreciated me enough to give me 7 hours 31 minutes to get my lazy butt off the couch and get to the redbox and rent a movie.

I may be making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be, but I thought this was extremely LAME LAME LAME!!

Yeah, I was WAY past that particular deadline.

The other funny thing about this is that they call me a “loyal customer” but the only time I use a redbox machine is when they send me a free rental code. I don’t think I have actually ever paid for a rental from redbox. Maybe instead of “loyal customer”, they could call me a “loyal parasite.” That might be a better description.

All is Right With the World Again….The Noise is Back

For the first time since Saturday, I got to see my family again. Mega-Babe wasn’t even wearing a surgical mask. I got to hug my boys….well, The Bug and Little Woo. Donut hardly ever gives hugs and I guess not seeing me for seven day was not a good enough reason to give me one.

But best of all, I got to snuggle with my Mini-Babe. I apparently didn’t hear my alarm go off this morning, so I woke up way late. Usually this would mean that I would just skip the shower and jump in my car and go, but I remembered that Mini-Babe would be back tonight, so I still took the time to shower so I could shave. Mini-Babe doesn’t like a scruffy Daddy at all. That extra time paid off (also because people at work didn’t have to tolerate a no-showered and offensively smelling co-worker all day) because I got to snuggle Mini-Babe cheek to cheek. I couldn’t smooch her because of the jungle rot on my upper and lower lips, but the snuggling was WAY over due.

But as much as I loved having them all home, it became very clear to me that I had gotten VERY used to having a quiet house when I was here by myself, because the noise level with the family here was more noticeable than I remembered it being. I’ll get used to it though. It is more than worth it having them here.

And I can’t forget to mention how much I missed having Mega-Babe home with me. She really is my best friend and nothing seems right when she’s not around.

OK, enough being sappy. As a follow up to my post from yesterday, today, Dubb and I went out for lunch and I saw this bumper sticker:

Now, I am going to make a confession here. I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan. I have listened to the audio books so many times that I have actually lost count. I know how much of a nerd that makes me, but I really, really like the whole series of books. With that said, I have no idea what this bumper sticker is trying to say. Is this person (nerd) a democrat and is trying to say, in a nerdy way, that republicans are evil because they like Voldemort? Or is this person (nerd) a republican and thinks it makes him seem cool to like the bad guy?

Maybe I am a little slow, but I don’t get a lot of these bumper stickers and they just confuse me.

Lame Post Today

I woke up Saturday morning running a fever of 103.4. I have been coughing since Tuesday, and I thought I may have had a mild fever to go along with that, but I didn’t check until Saturday, so of course I went to the instacare to get checked out and it turns out that I have pneumonia. Lucky me!! I can almost hear Elaine singing to me, “Get well! Get well soon! We want you to get well”

So today, Since I don’t feel like typing out a big long post, you are going to get kind of a lame post. I am just going to put up a couple/few of my favorite youtube clips:

And for you car enthusiasts:

And finally, this one always makes me laugh:

This should be enough videos to waste all of your time while you are at work. Hopefully I will feel well enough to get back on the blogging track tomorow.