It’s Time For a Change

I am moving my blog address. My new blog address is thebrokenmuggle.wordpress.com

I am making the move…well, head on over to the new site and read about why I am changing. I hope to see you all there soon.

My Milkshake/PSA

Man, you guys hit this blog like it’s a twitter account sometimes waiting for my new post of the day. Hold on, baby birds, I’ll feed you.

First off, I would like to start my day with a little PSA for all you health conscience people.

1)      Do not EVER buy this kind of ice cream:

It is horrible!!!  It is like trying to eat chocolate frozen chewing gum.

2)      If you do happen to buy that kind of ice cream,  DO NOT  try it, decide you don’t like it, leave it sitting in your freezer for 4 years and one night decide you are really desperate for some ice cream, go pull it out and decide to eat it 3 years after the expiration date.

PLEASE, take my word on this one. That was single handedly the worst 12 hours of my life, and my stomach is still rumbling (not out of hunger) today. I had NO idea the human digestive system could hold that much nasty disgustingness that it is desperate to evacuate out of your body. I could go A LOT more into detail about the damage I have sustained and how horrible it was, but I will drop it there and let you use your imagination. It was BAD!!

Now, on to the better reading part of the blog.

I have often thought through my life that I should really write a book. I’m sure I am not alone in this kind of thinking. I’m sure a lot of people think they could write a pretty good book if they had the time, but I am not most people. I honestly think I could if I could take a good amount of time off work to sit down and do it. I’m sure my book would get torn to shreds in most literary classes of most colleges and some better than average high schools, but I bet a lot of people would be able to relate and find humor in something that came out of my very unique mind.

I know, I am being so humble at the moment. Mega-Babe loves it when I do this, but I honestly think I could pull this off.

The question is though, what kind of book would I write? What would it be titled? Would it be fiction and based loosely on me and my own life? Or would it be non-fiction and I just tell my not too abnormal of a life in a manner that people could relate too and maybe even be inspired by. I mean, if a 5’4” guy who’s parents thought he was a midget as a little boy who overcame his height and all odds, married the prettiest girl in the world, had the most gorgeous kids in the world, and managed to become not terribly successful financially but still lives in a nice house with lots of nice things doesn’t inspire you, what could? I guess I should have said “The questions are….” I wouldn’t want my literary correct wife or my English teacher mother to be disappointed in the colossal literary mistake I made at the beginning of this paragraph.

I figure a book written by me could be titled something like, “What the Heck Are You Laughing At?” or “Your Average Moron” or “Lazy and Skinny” or “Memoires of a 5’4” Guy Who is Hairy Like a Chimp” or “I Crack Myself Up” or as some people at work like to call me, “Odd Little Man.”

What about you? What kind of book would you write? What would it be called? Or, to stay on my favorite topic, me, what would a book about me or loosely based on me be called? Whichever you prefer.

I know, my book could be called “My Milkshake Brings All the Girls to the Yard.” Sorry, I couldn’t resist. How could a song that is as ridiculous as that not be the title of a book about me?

Gun Shy

Sorry I did not post anything yesterday. Mega-Babe and I have been feeling a bit under the weather and I was having writers block. Though, after this post, I’m sure Mega-Babe will wish my writers block had continued.

Now, I am assuming that girls do not have the problem I am going to address today. In the restroom, girls have stalls with closed doors, so there is a certain amount of anonymity involved when you go….potty. Guys on the other hand have urinals, sometimes even troughs where guys have to….do their business standing right next to other guys like we are all in prison or something. Apparently whoever designs public restrooms do not feel that privacy is an issue that they should be concerning themselves with.

Here’s the problem, and I understand that I am most likely sharing too much here, but there is an issue called being “gun shy” where if conditions are not ideal, a person could be unable to….perform the necessary transaction.

For instance, at one of my former places of employment, I was at the urinal taking care of business, and one of the janitors…..who was a woman….walked in and started cleaning. Talk about immediately freezing up. I don’t know what she was thinking. Maybe it is not a big deal in Mexico for women to join men in the restroom to do a little light cleaning, but here in America, that can cause some damage to a man to have a sudden block in the flow like that.

A more common occurrence is when another guy comes in and stands at the urinal next to me and wants to talk to me. Now, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but I would really rather not talk about what I got for Christmas while I am making a transaction. I don’t want to talk about how the new baby is, I don’t want to talk about work related topics, I would just rather act like we don’t know each other, otherwise I am not able to squeeze a single drop. It is even uncomfortable to be next to a tall person because I am paranoid that they are going to try to lean over a bit and sneak a peek. I don’t know why anyone would do that, but it is one of my irrational thoughts that make me “gun shy.”

Speaking of irrational, I also can’t go if the urinal is right next to a stall because I am afraid some psycho is going to grab my leg from under the stall wall.

So there you go. I just felt like sharing WAY too much today, but I did it somewhat in hopes that if you read this blog, and you and I are ever peeing next to one another, that you will just not talk to me.

I know Mega-Babe is shaking her head in disgust at me right now. LOVE YOU BABE!!

Clarification on Today’s Post

Apparently, sometimes my warped sense of humor even eludes those closest to me. I would not actually murder someone. There are people that I wish would go away, but my sense of right and wrong, although it is twisted, does have boundaries. Killing someone far exceeds that boundary and I could never do it. I would make some people disappear if I could, but in reality, which apparently my writing needs to always deal in the strictest of realities, I would not actually kill anyone. I’m not a sicko, just someone with a sicko sense of humor.

Now, everybody can relax, stop searching the phone books trying to find me a good psychiatrist. Mega-Babe, you can sleep easy at night. You are not sleeping next to an actual murderer. This was all perfectly funny to me, because it was so ridiculous, but apparently I am the alone on that front.

Virus Incubators Stay Away

I am a bit of a germ-a-phobe, if you haven’t been able to tell from the multiple other posts I have done on this subject. I don’t go crazy with it like an Adrian Monk or anything, but I do have my little issues with things like drinking after other people and public restrooms and things like that. The drinking after other people thing is a real problem for some people. Some people really take it personally, but I really don’t care, its gross. I will very reluctantly drink after my kids, but that was born more out of the fact that I cannot have a drink in my hand without them coming up and asking for a sip. If I didn’t drink after them, I would never get anything to drink, but I do try to put them off as much as I can. I obviously don’t mind drinking after Mega-Babe.

Anyway, my “germ-a-phobe” levels reach a whole new high whenever there is a new baby in the house. Even before Mini-Babe was born, I knew that she was coming and I knew that I couldn’t get sick. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me so much if she had been born in the summer like Little Woo was, but the fact that she was being born right at the beginning of RSV season and the fact that people are passing around the swine flu like it is candy really had me stressing out about getting sick. I’m sure I was rude more than once to people at work, but again, I don’t much care. I felt like I was dodging bullets….germ bullets firing at me from all sides where ever I went. Oh man, that visual makes me ill.

The other night, we went to Mama and Pa’a’s house for Sunday dinner and Mama pointed out this comic strip to me from the Sunday paper:

(Click on the picture, it will get bigger so you can read it)

Hilarious! That is exactly how I feel walking around. I don’t want to shake hands, I don’t want to touch anything, I don’t want people coming to my desk who even have a hint of a cough. If I get sick and can’t go home and hold my little Mini-Babe, or even worse, if I take your cooties home to Mini-Babe and get her sick, hell hath no fury!!

Ahem……Excuse Me

I really try to avoid using my blog as a sounding board for my many rants about things that make me crazy in this world. I don’t want to open the flood gates because I would do it all the time. I could probably post 3-4 times a day with something else that upsets me. So I avoid it as much as I can, but sometimes, you just gotta cut loose.

Picture this scenario with me. You are walking down a hallway at work or church or in a store and you notice some people walking in the opposite direction towards you. Two or three people, walking side by side and they are taking up most of the space in the hallway. In your mind, you start thinking, “One of them will move…..any time now, they will realize that there is not enough room for all 4 of us and make some room….any time now….come on….move out of the way man….HE’S NOT MOVING….GET OUT OF THE WAY…..”

Next thing you know, you are making out with the wall so that a walk down the hall doesn’t turn into you getting violated by a group inconsiderate jerk stores who can’t be bothered by trivial things like other human beings.

Scenario number two for you to consider. You are walking down a similar hallway, maybe walking back to your cubicle at work, and you suddenly find that you have stumbled upon a group of people who are having an impromptu meeting right in the area that you need to walk through. The whole group notices you, eye contact is made, your presence has been acknowledged, but guess what, not one person moves out of the way to let you through. They just go about their discussion like they are discussing the very survival of the human race and they can’t be bothered by measly little people like you and take the time to get out of your way. No, you have to either try to make yourself as small as possible and squeeze through or say something like, “excuse me” and hope that the royalty doesn’t get offended and order you beheaded by guillotine at sundown.

Final scenario. This one most often happens at church, but I will set this scenario at Costco, because it happens A LOT there too. You are trying to make your way through the mass of people and shopping carts, there are people going in each direction up and down the aisle, you are following in the line going the direction you are trying to go, and all of a sudden, the person in front of you sees someone they know going in the opposite direction, so they have to stop right in the middle of the aisle and start talking and catching up. No, they don’t try to get out of the way, they have to hold up the whole flow of traffic in each direction so they can hear all about Little Jimmy’s soccer game in which he scored 2 goals! YAY LITTLE JIMMY!!! NOW MOVE!!!!!!!

WE ARE LIVING IN A SOCIETY HERE!!! We’re supposed to act in a civilized way!! Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual??? NO! NO! A resounding NO!–Constanza

Why is this concept so hard for people to understand? Why can’t people realize that there are people in this world who do not necessarily want to press their bodies up against a complete stranger in the midst of a casual stroll down the hall?  What is going through people’s heads when they see someone who needs to get through this little meeting they are having? Why don’t people even consider the fact that just because they want to hear all about Little Jimmy’s soccer game, does not mean the 100 people behind them don’t still want to get to the register to check out? Just get out of the way!

I call it my hula-hoop space. This analogy was given to me by my former HR director at a former place of employment. Pretend like we all have a hula-hoop around us where ever we go that no one else is allowed to come inside of. You are not allowed to invade or infringe upon others’ hula-hoop space and you should be respectful of it in situations like we discussed above. A lot of HR issues at work can be avoided by following this rule.

I think this is a great rule for life. I get VERY uncomfortable in crowded places. Mega-Babe can tell you that this stresses me out something fierce. Going shopping during Christmas time for instance, your hula-hoop space is going to be violated like crazy. Scratch that, your hula-hoop is going to be torn from around your waste, ripped to shreds, spit on, stomped on, and lit on fire as the mob carries you off to be burned at the stake so you don’t take the last of the hot ticket items on the shelf therefore ruining their kids’ Christmas.

Am I asking too much? Why is it that I feel like I am the only person in this world who understands this concept of courtesy to others? I am not a nice person, but I do try to be courteous in situations like this and would appreciate a little reciprocity. Give it back a little, people!

Swine Flu Pandemic is Becoming Madness

Apparently I was wrong. I was naïve. I balked at all the warnings telling me otherwise. I was a moron, a bonehead, an imbecile. Contrary to my previous assertions, we are indeed smack dab in the middle of a full blown swine flu pandemic. Granted this is not the kind of stuff you see in the movie Outbreak where people are dying on a catastrophic scale or anything, but it is bad enough to warrant another blog post about it.

A couple of weeks ago, Mega-Babe took the boys to the health department close to our house and they walked right in, got their flu shots, and left. No problems. No lines. They just got in and got right back out. Since I work so far from where we live, I was not able to join them on this venture. Mega-Babe has been checking the health department close to my work and saw that they were supposed to get 7000 vaccines to divvy up between the 4 health department clinics in the area to administer the vaccines on Saturday. So, Saturday morning, I got up bright and early and drove 40 minutes to one of the locations so I could be there a little before they opened at 7.

I thought this would be plenty early to arrive and be queued up in a nice position in line. I was still too late though. I could say it was a madhouse, but that would not do it any kind of justice whatsoever. It was off the charts insane!! I had to park over a mile away and walk in. Again, me being naïve, I thought maybe all of the people were there for something else that started at 7 that had nothing to do with the health department. My hopes were in vain.

So I set off on a quest to find the end of the line. I started in the health department parking lot and followed the line out of the parking lot, along the sidewalk by the street, then down into another parking lot of some big grocery chain, then up through a McDonalds parking lot, back out to the street, and on and on and on. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Why haven’t you given up yet? You are obviously not getting a vaccination, Moron!” Well, to be honest, I had already walked over a mile and a half at this point, and my morbid curiosity was getting the better of me and I wondered just how far the insanity would carry me. So I continued to walk and walk and walk. I never found the end of the line. I was getting to the point of realizing that even though I was not staying, that I did still have to walk back to my car, and when I turned a corner, I was up on a little hill and I caught sight of the fact that this line was not even close to ending. It was just a sea of people for as far as the eye could see.  I threw in the towel.

Mega-Babe gave me the address of one of the other health department locations, so I figured I would check it just in case, partly because I really need the vaccine, but also because of my morbid curiosity. It was the same thing though at the other location.

The next day, I read the news article about it. Here are some of the more interesting points of the article (I have removed identifying characteristics of the article such as names and addresses and city names):

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“People started arriving as early as Friday night to get into line — bringing food, blankets and umbrellas. Some arrived around 6 a.m. — an hour before the clinics opened — only to learn they were too late. “

“Out to the street it’s packed. The cars don’t fit, the people don’t fit,” said one of the many people in the middle of the chaos.

Around 7 a.m., call after call poured into the Police Department about cars parked in red zones, in front of fire hydrants — even trapping people in their own driveways.

“When my wife had to go on our own lawn to get out of our driveway, that’s when it became a little ridiculous,” said one resident.

A Lt. with the Police Department described the scene. “They had literally thousands of people lined up on the street and into the residential neighborhoods to get their shots,” he said.

LT. said the Police Department was never informed about the clinic. He said as they arrived on scene, they only had five officers on for the day, and were unprepared to handle the crowd.

“There were so many violations that I saw in so many places it was ridiculous. I was afraid that if I was to stop my car, because I didn’t have a place to park it, someone would run into the back of me,” he said.

One resident also had a portion of his fence knocked over because of people jumping it to cut in line for the vaccine.

“It’s kind of frustrating, but it’s OK. I tried to be nice with the people,” he said.

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This is more of the kind of chaos I thought a full blown pandemic would carry with it. Not that this pleases me in any way shape or form, but that is a little more like it. I still have to figure out how I am going to get a swine flu shot sometime soon. I can’t bring the plague into my own house, especially with a new baby.

I Think They Want Us to Wash Our Hands

I have mentioned before that according to my work, we are neck deep in the middle of a swine flu pandemic. I guess I’ve always had a different idea of what a pandemic is. I’ve always pictured something similar to the movie Outbreak. Mass chaos, people dying left and right, new cases of the virus on a catastrophic level, end of the world kind of stuff. I don’t really feel that way about swine flu. Maybe I am naïve.

Much to mine and Mega-Babe’s dismay, recent news articles tell us that the hospital system that I work for is instituting some precautions to protect its patients from exposure to the virus.

No visitors under 14. No one under the age of 14 is allowed in the hospital unless they are a patient.

No more than two visitors at a time. This applies to both visitors in inpatient rooms and those accompanying patients to the emergency department. This will not apply to patients in end-of-life situations.

No sick visitors. If you have fever, cough, sore throat, fatigue, nausea, vomiting or diarrhea, please stay home.

Patients: Ask for a mask. Wear a mask if you have flu or cold symptoms, as a patient.

Wash your hands. Wash your hands frequently with soap and water or use hand sanitizer.

Cover coughs and sneezes. Use a tissue or your upper sleeve.

This is especially problematic considering that our new baby is to be born soon. This new policy means that our boys will not be allowed to come see their new little sister in the hospital. It also means that if more than one person wants to come visit, I will have to leave my wife’s hospital room and go wait outside.

Mega-Babe says that she is not staying the full 2 days. As soon as they let her go, she is going to bolt and go home. I concur.

But work is also going nutty at non-hospital facilities. Last week, I walked into the men’s bathroom and saw this posted up on the mirror:

This makes me think of that old show Bill Cosby Himself. In one part, he is talking about his kids taking showers. He said he and his wife have to tell the kids to get into the tub, turn on the water, use soap, rinse off, etc. Otherwise the kids would just stand in the tub without the water.

1. Wet your hands??

“Oh, I see where they’re going with this.” (Brian Regan)

This is all a bit ridiculous. The 2 little boxes at the bottom of the picture are telling you how to use hand sanitizer. The Bug even knows how to use hand sanitizer, and he’s only 4! Do they really need to create a step by step for this with visuals?

I also love how the hands appear to shine in step 5 where they are showing us all how to dry our hands. THEY ARE SO CLEAN!!! Clean hands are happy hands.

I could go into pointing out how there are several people at work that I have seen leaving the bathroom several times without washing their hands and that this is who the sign was meant for, but I won’t. Again, I would like to keep my job.

Then there is this sign in the break room that takes this not spreading germs thing to a whole new level:

Have we sunk so low, become so disgusting as humans that we actually need a visual posted up telling people :

A)     That they need to cover their mouth when they cough

B)      How exactly we are to go about covering it when we do so.

The sad answer is yes. I had someone stand by my desk coughing for 15 minutes the other day, only making a half hearted effort to cover their mouth. I want to find out where this person sits (or maybe I already know and this is my attempt at being vague about who I am referring to) and pin this poster up in their cubicle with a post-it note that says, “This was meant for YOU!”

I am grateful for the posters. I have always wondered if I was washing my hands correctly. Now I can see that I was. GO ME!!

Its a Jungle Out There

I have hinted in the past at my health problems. They are my trial in life, my daily battle. It is something I have lived with my whole life and will continue to deal with forever. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing that I do every day, no question. Every morning, when I get up, I feel like I should be looking for the license plate of the truck that just drove through my bedroom and hit me.

Don’t worry, this post will take a lighter turn. Just wait for it.

A few years ago, these health problems started to spin out of control. I really wasn’t doing anything to take care of myself, which just made it that much worse.  I knew something had to change. The medicines the doctors had me on just weren’t doing anything for me to actually fix the problem. So I decided to turn to exercise. I decided that making my body stronger was the only chance I had to win this battle.

So I hit the gym. It was definitely the answer for me. No more medicine, very few doctor visits…comparatively, replaced by a daily dose of cardio and heavy lifting.

But I’m here to tell you that the gym is a dangerous place, my friends. It is a VERY dangerous place. I’m not talking about the high risk of pulled muscles. I’m not referring to the slight chance of pulling a George Jetson on the treadmill. I’m not even referring to the germs left behind by the fat sweaty guy in the gym when he refuses to wipe his sweat off the weight machine he just got done sliming his bodily fluids all over. Though, we are getting warmer.

I am referring to the locker room. The House of Horrors as I like to call it. It is a scary, horrible, awful place.

(PARENTAL ADVISORY: I know that my nieces read this blog, so just be warned that I am going to do a little “grown-up” talking now. So you may want to just skip this post. Who knows though? I hear that there are similar issues in the girls locker room. So this may be a good public service announcement for everyone to know about. I just don’t want to get an angry call from Halo yelling at me for corrupting her beautiful daughters. Though, I guess one of them is 18 now, but you have been warned.)

Riddle me this, Batman. Why is there a message board hung up in the shower area of the locker room? Riddle me that, Batman. What is so horrible about using a towel to dry off after a shower, and staying in the shower stall to do it? This is a dangerous combination of issues. We have a very large guy that uses the gym that likes to shower, then get out, and AIR DRY while he stands around looking at the message board.

GAG…..GAG (again)….

Lucky for me, this guy’s routine is pretty set. He goes in at the same time every day. So all I had to do was adjust what time I go to the gym.

I am calling you out though, Big Fella. Get yourself a towel, preferably a big one that will do a lot of covering. If you can’t afford one, let me know and I will take up a collection to get you one… or several.  I’m sure there are plenty of people willing to throw down some cash for that worthy cause.

We also have an individual that I have dubbed the Naked Chinese Contortionist. Yes, it is every bit as terrifying as it sounds. This is an individual who likes to get out of the shower (luckily he uses a towel), and he proceeds to try to put lotion on every last inch of his body…..naked. And he gets himself into whatever position he can to make that happen. EXTREMELY disturbing!

Unfortunately NCC doesn’t have a routine. He is capable of popping into the gym at any time. But I do know what his gym bag looks like. If I see it sitting in the locker room, I just turn-tail and RUN! I can work out later. If he walks in while I am working out, I will cut the day short so I can get out of Dodge before he gets done and begins his…..ritual.

Seriously, what is wrong with people? These are images that are seared onto my brain. I can’t make these horrors go away no matter how hard I try. I don’t even want to know what these people do on the weekends.

Consider yourselves warned.

I’m Begging You

We are smack dab in the middle of a swine flu pandemic. At least that is what all the e-mails I get at work make it sound like. I work for a health care system which has to worry about its staff at the hospitals spreading disease to patients, so they really try to stay up to the minute on things like this. They have forbidden anyone from coming to work who is showing flu like symptoms. Now, I don’t work at the hospital, but the company can’t make a policy that only pertains to some people. That’s discrimination, so the policy applies to everyone.

Well, I think the policy should extend past just flu like symptoms. Especially in light of the fact that we are going to have a baby in our house very soon who will be born at the very start of RSV season.

Anybody else ever heard this one at church or work? “I have been on antibiotics for 24 hours, so I am no longer contagious.”

People are usually saying this as they are in the process of coughing up one of their lungs.

I’m sorry, but you can’t tell me that it is sanitary and not spreading germs when someone is coughing like that and they are talking like they just swallowed a frog. You can’t tell me that I am not going to get sick when they are coughing all over everything around me. My immune system is horrible! If I am around someone sick, I am going to get it. Its just a matter of when. Even when Mega-Babe is sick, I will go sleep on the couch downstairs. When she is done being sick, we will do the appropriate cleaning of our house to make sure I don’t get it.

So, in light of this, I am pleading with everyone, JUST STAY HOME!!! If you are sick, don’t come to work or church or go out in public and cough on the shopping carts at Wal-Mart, because I will catch it and take it home to my family.

Now, I understand the need for a paycheck and not wanting to blow through all of your paid time off that you have accrued at work, but church? I am constantly looking for a good reason to miss Elders Quorum. Am I alone on this? Take a Sunday off. I can’t say this with absolute certainty, but I seriously doubt that you will go to hell if you miss an occasional Sunday because you are sick. Think of it as a service you are providing my family, just like pulling the weeds in my yard for me (which by the way needs to be done too if you are looking for a service project).

I will refrain from calling people out specifically in this post. You know who you are, plus, as I have mentioned in the past, I want to keep my job, so I am not about to call out people at work. Again, you know who you are. But just do me this favor. Please! PLEASE!! (I’m not above begging) STAY HOME!

By the way, if you and I don’t work together, I don’t care if you go to work sick or not. Spread your nasty germs to as many people as you want there, Sicko, as long as its not me.

Feel the love.