Deceitful Little Donut

OK, I said tomorrow in my last post, and this is a little longer than that, but here you go, the story of Donut’s deception:

The other night, we were sitting at dinner, and out of the blue, Donut asks us if we wanted to know what he does to Carson at school. Maybe slightly reluctantly, Mega-Babe and I said sure.

“Once he sits down with his lunch, I tell him he forgot his spork or straw, and when he gets up, I eat his pizza.”

NICE!!! Very clever of you…..I mean, that is HORRIBLE!! You shouldn’t do that!! (Fist bump under the table)

I will let Mega-Babe lecture him about that one. It is usually better if the lecture doesn’t come from a hypocrite.

Then the other morning, he was trying to get ready for his soccer game and Little Woo kept getting in his way, so we hear him tell Woo, “Go upstairs and find Mommy, she has a treat for you!”

Mega-Babe was on the bed feeding Mini-Babe, and no access to treats whatsoever. Of course Little Woo comes in, “Where my teet?”

“Sorry buddy, I don’t have a treat for you.”

He furrowed his little brow and through gritted teeth, “WHERE MY TEET?”

Donut, you punk. We never did get Little Woo a treat by the way. I believe that kids should get used to disappointment. It will prepare them for life.

But the worst, and most worrisome, is that Donut told Mega-Babe the other day that he found a $2 bill on the playground at school. Mega-Babe at first thought that was kind of neat, but asked him if he was supposed to turn that into the teacher if he found one. He said yes. Well, yadda, yadda, yadda…..Mega-Babe tells Donut that she used to collect $2 bills that she got from her grandma and that it’s a kind of neat thing to have, so the person who lost it on the playground might be looking for it. So then he says that he also found one in the drawer when he was putting dishes away earlier that day (Yes, he has started to do dishes, VERY COOL). So then it dawns on Mega-Babe that maybe that is the $2 he found and that there wasn’t one on the playground.

Do you comprehend the foresight this shows for a 7 year old? He had to realize that:

a)      He wasn’t supposed to have that money

b)      Mom and Dad would question him if they found him with a $2 bill and wonder where he got it

c)       So he should come up with a story about where else he found it that Mom and Dad would never be able to confirm if he is telling the truth or not.

I’m impressed in spite of myself. I know this is wrong, I know it may even be a bit disturbing to some parents, but not so much to me.

Mega-Babe and I have different parenting styles, which is not really a bad thing. I support her and her trying to teach the kids how to be good boys and follow all the rules like her. But at the same time, I can’t help but turn a deaf ear or look the other way when I see them do something they shouldn’t or say something they shouldn’t.

Is that wrong?? I am not a perfect parent, I know that better than anyone, but I just can’t make myself get too worked up when I hear one of them call their brother “dumb”, or I see one of them hit the other, or if they tell me some off color song they learned at school. I would prefer that my kids feel like they can tell me anything, and I show them how to control it. I would rather they learn to take a little abuse from their brother who ultimately loves them. I think it teaches them to forgive and toughens them up a bit.

But all this deception in the house….not sure if I am going about it all the right way. I want my kids to be smart and know how to handle themselves. I don’t want them to be doormats. School is brutal! There are skills that they are going to need to survive. Where do I draw the line?

In the meantime, I can’t help but be a LITTLE proud, because they DO NOT get this from their mother. There a lot of things they got from Mega-Babe, their looks being the most prevalent. They do not look like me, but their mannerisms are more like me than I am comfortable with sometimes, but I am ok with that. Deceitful, I can handle. I just have to show them where to draw the line.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONUT!!!!!!!

I am going to break my silence simply to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONUT!!!!!!!!!!

He turned 7 today (Yes, his birthday is 03/03/03, which is one of the coolest birthdays ever). I can’t believe it. It was 7 years ago yesterday that Mega-Babe and I, for reasons somewhat mysterious to me now, laid in our bed crying because we knew that the next day (Mega-Babe was scheduled for induction), our lives would never be the same. If I mention this story, Mega-Babe will say that she had an excuse to cry with pregnant hormones and will wonder what my problem was. I really have no idea, but my little Looney has been awesome and he makes us laugh everyday. It is his favorite thing to do, followed closely by eating pepperoni pizza.

I love you pal!! I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you. You are the coolest!

Too Early for the Birds and the Bees Talk

Mega-Babe is going to cringe that I am telling this story, but I think it is cute and dang funny.

The other day, Mega-Babe was changing Mini-Babe’s diaper, and Donut walked up and saw a naked Mini-Babe. Having only brothers, he had never seen this kind of nakedness. His response? (and I might be slightly paraphrasing because I heard the story second hand from Mega-Babe). But Donut said, “Her weiney looks really weird! There’s just a circle??”

I think Mega-Babe just let it drop at saying something like, “Yep, boys and girls are different.”

Hilarious!

Old Folks

Well, apparently no one really wants to talk about what they got for Christmas, either that or no one got anything as cool as my Makita drill kit and Guitar Hero pajama pants and didn’t want their presents to seem lame by comparison. My readers are kind of lame sometimes. I am surprised that I didn’t even get one comment on the subject.

Oh well, you guys can just all be that way. My viewership is dwindling anyway. I need to figure out how to put together a better blog if I ever want to go pro with it, but until then, I will just keep telling you funny stories about my kids.

Donut’s class at school got to go to a local old folks home to go caroling. I don’t think they are called old folks homes anymore though. I think they are assisted living centers, but they will always be old folks homes to me.

Well, when Donut found out his class got to do this, Mega-Babe must have explained that it is where old people live. A little later, Mega-Babe mentioned out loud that she needed to ask Donut’s teacher if parents were allowed to go to watch the kids sing, at which point Donut asked very honestly and not trying to be funny, “Can Mama and Pa’a go? They are old.”

That is awesome!

Sittin in the Grass….

The Bug has a birthday coming up soon, his first “friend” party. He is excited about being able to invite his friends over for a party and the theme of this party has been a recurring source of conversation around our house lately. He finally made up his mind that he wants a “fishy” themed birthday party, so the conversation now has become how do we do a “fishy” themed birthday.

You know, we have to figure out party gifts and what kind of cake and what games they are going to play, etc. Donut and The Bug have actually been coming up with some good ideas for this. Things like “pin the tail on the fish” and “fishy, fishy, shark” (the fishy equivalent of duck, duck, goose).

We were discussing this at dinner the other night and Donut came up with the idea of coming up with a song they could sing at the party, and he and The Bug start singing:

5 little fishies sittin in a pool,

A shark came up and bit the pool.

5 little sittin on the grass,

A shark came up and bit…………………..the fishies

This is the point in the song that I snorted milk out of my nose and laughed myself into a good cry. Then they kept singing it and every time they got to that point in the song, I would break down into a new fit of hysterics.

Mega-Babe just loves this kind of juvenile behavior from me. She was half amused, half appalled and said, “Seriously? What is the matter with you?? Its like you got stuck at being 12 years old!”

I know it, Babe, and all I can say is I’m sorry.

I did distinctly hear Mega-Babe do a little snort laughing of her own one of the times The Bug was running through the song, but she may have been laughing at how much of a child I am. See, she will sometimes feign shock and disgust at my behavior, but I think deep down…….WAY deep down, she finds me pretty amusing.

Donut kept trying to figure out why I was laughing so hard at their little song. “Nothing, Buddy. Daddy is just a bit immature.”

I eventually had to excuse myself from the table and go upstairs until I got control.

Slugfest of Love

Last Sunday, we had a member of the leadership of our church come and talk to us at church. He was a really good speaker from England who I actually enjoyed listening to. Just sitting and listening to someone talk is not always the easiest thing in the world for me to do, and as I have mentioned before, we are not always sure that our boys are listening either.

In this particular talk, he started to talk about how he has 5 sons and how some people live under the delusion that his family is perfect. This of course got my attention having 3 boys of my own who have been known to not always be little angels. He talked about how each of his sons has a set of boxing gloves and if they ever got into a fight, that he would put them in the backyard and have them slug it out until they love each other. I personally think that is a great way to raise a house full of boys.

The Bug was not there to hear this particular talk, but Donut was there coloring and doing other things to make the church time pass quicker.

Fast forward to this Sunday. We were all getting ready for church and I hear a little commotion downstairs and the boys both laughing it up with a lot of banging and grunting. They make their way upstairs and I see that they have split up the set of boxing gloves that Donut has so they have each have one glove on at which point Donut tells us, “We are fighting until we love each other.”

Mega-Babe and I just half laugh, half wince at what is sure to not end well. After a while, Donut starts to take his glove off and says, “Alright, alright, I love you, we can stop.”

The Bug hauls off and punches him while his guard is down and proclaims, “I don’t love you!”

Having 3 boys can wear me out, but it sure can be entertaining. I am already picturing how I can set up a cock-fighting pit of sorts and I can invite people over to take bets on the winner. I personally would put my money on The Bug, he fights dirty.

All of Us- An Update

Me: I am doing great. I really have the easy part in all of this new baby stuff. Its Mega-Babe who carries the load. I am not going to make any friends here by saying this, but I am not the kind of husband that gets up at night with the kids when they wake up and need something. I sleep too hard, I get too grumpy, and I don’t realize that I am being grumpy. Heck, I probably won’t remember the whole incident. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have been asked the question, “Do you remember being a complete jerk last night?”

And the honest answer is no, I don’t. Apparently Mega-Babe has tried to wake me up on many occasions for one emergency or another only to have me say or do something completely jerky to her. I don’t remember ever doing it and I am not entirely positive she isn’t just making it up. I think she has been making a list of things from the day that we got married of stuff like this that she can show to the judge if we ever get a divorce that will completely discredit me as a competent father. She is just holding it as insurance. So, I just don’t get out of line too bad so she never has to use it.

Anyway, plus I don’t handle being tired well AT ALL. My body will shut down and I will get sick and end up missing a lot of work, so Mega-Babe carries the not sleeping load with the stipulation that I let her nap whenever she wants. Works for me!

I LOVE my little Mini-Babe. She is great.

Mega-Babe: She really is super woman. I guess I never realized exactly how much a woman goes through to have a kid until I saw the pain Mega-Babe was in giving birth without an epidural. I mean, I knew it was bad and I knew it was more than I could ever handle in my life, but to see it, with my own eyes was…..wow! Mega-Babe and I are still in unbelief that it all went down that way. I know, this apparently happens to a lot of people. I can’t tell you how many people have said something like, “Oh yeah, that’s exactly what happened with our second kid.”

or

“My sister gave birth in the hallway of the hospital.”

or

“By the time my wife got to the hospital, she was sitting on our daughter’s head.”

or

“My aunt gave birth in the car in the middle of rush hour traffic.”

or

“A girl I work with had her baby while she was in the middle of a trapeze act at the circus. She shot the baby out 75 feet in the air and the baby was caught and slapped on the bottom by Guido the Monkey Boy while he swung from a trapeze.”

Yeah, I know, ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! Everybody has a better story. Brian Regan talks about this phenomenon but uses the wisdom tooth example. Its like telling someone you had 2 wisdom teeth pulled and before you can even get the words out, someone will say, “That’s nothing, I had 4 removed and they all had to be cut out and they were impacted and blah blah blah.”

“Don’t ever try telling a 2 wisdom tooth story because you’re not going anywhere with that. The 4 wisdom tooth guys are going to parachute in and cut you off at the pass.”

Look, this may be common place for the rest of the world, but when it is your 4^th kid and nothing exciting has EVER happened during the birth of any of your children so far and you are expecting the same thing to happen again and to just have another nice mild-mannered, epidural controlled delivery, this all came as a bit of a punch to the gut. I have a whole new appreciation for what it means to give birth to a child (obviously nowhere near the appreciation that Mega-Babe now has). To see my wife, who hardly ever complains about anything other than the fact that I don’t take out the trash often enough, in that much obvious pain…I am so glad that I am a guy. I can’t stress that enough.

After the baby was born, and Mega-Babe is still sitting on the bed in tears, the doctor said to her, “Now you’re a real pioneer woman. You can get your pioneer woman badge.” I just shot him a look that clearly said, “What is the matter with you? Do you really think that is helping???”

She has been doing great since then. She is tired, but rightfully so, as I mentioned above, she is carrying the late night load. She could have done so much better than me….but she is stuck now.

Donut: To be honest, I haven’t seen a lot of Donut since Mini-Babe was born. He has been staying at my in-laws house, which he prefers to our house. He would just live over there if he could. Mama apparently spends more time with him working on things like reading than Mega-Babe and I do. Since he is in first grade, he is supposed to read for 20 minutes every day and we struggle at times to make that happen. But since staying at the in-laws, he has been reading 45 minutes to 2 ½ hours every day and he has passed off several of his sight words/phrases lists. We are apparently bad parents. He loves reading now. Mega-Babe said the other day that Donut’s teacher is going to think that we should have a new baby more often so our kids actually learn to read. Shame.

As far as Mini-Babe, the jury is still out. Donut likes her. He loves to hold her, but he told me the other night that he hates her….right after he got done holding her for 20 minutes. I think that now he just thinks that he is supposed to hate her since he already said it, so he is trying to play the part so Mom and Dad aren’t right.

The Bug: He has been reaching a whole new level of difficult lately. When Donut gets mad, he is likely to just punch someone. He takes out his aggression on whoever is closest. The Bug on the other hand is different. As much of a trouble maker as he is, he is probably the most compassionate kid I have ever met. He is always thinking of others. The other night, he was being very difficult during dinner because he did not want to eat his potatoes so he started to spit, so I sent him to his room to sit on his bed. For 15 minutes, we sat down at the table laughing at him up in his room yelling at the top of his lungs:

“UGH!! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!”

“I HATE SITTING ON MY BED!”

“NOW LITTLE WOO GETS MORE PEACHES FOR DINNER AND I DON’T!! ITS NO FAIR!!

“UGH!!” (Yes, my kids actually say “UGH” all the time. You know, if we tell them that we have to go to Kohls, their least favorite store, they will say, “UGH! I don’t want to go to Kohls.”)

“I HATE THIS!”

“ITS NO FAIR!!!”

“UGH!! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!”

I know, we shouldn’t have been laughing, but it was amusing….for a while anyway. It got old fast, but Mega-Babe figures this is a better way for him to get his aggression out since he is not hurting anyone. I finally went up stairs and calmed him down and he was very apologetic. He really is a sweet kid. He just has a warped view of right and wrong…..just like me.

He really loves Mini-Babe though and loves to give her smooches. He told me the other day that he thinks she is great and he told Mega-Babe the other night that we should keep her.

Little Woo: Woo has a new favorite toy, a new favorite person in the house, a new best friend, a new something to whine about. First thing he says in the morning is where’s the baby? Randomly throughout the day, he asks where’s the baby? When we put him to bed at night, he spends 20 minutes crying for Mini-Babe. The other night, he woke up right as I was laying down to go to bed, so I went in to check on him. He just kept whimpering the baby’s name until I found his binky for him. Its pretty cute, but I can see it getting old. We finally printed off a picture of Mini-Babe that he can take to bed with him. Mega-Babe found him asleep with the picture right by his hand like he had fallen asleep hugging the picture.

Mini-Babe: So, you might be asking yourself, how long does it take a new baby living in a house with 3 older brothers to get hit in the head by a toy? The answer is 5 days, which is actually longer than Little Woo lasted when he was born. He had already been hit in the head by a toy and almost suffocated with a balloon by The Bug. I guess the boys really do like having a little sister. I guess they held out as long as they could. Little Woo was the tosser. I guess he was just giving it back.

Mini-Babe is just stupendous. She is still trying to get the hang of eating. I think she would do a lot better if she could manage to stay awake long enough to finish eating. This kid sleeps more than any of our other kids combined. We actually got worried about her last weekend when she was awake maybe 5 minutes the whole day, so we called our doctor. Mega-Babe felt a little silly doing that, I mean, It’s not like we are rookies at this baby thing, but a lethargic baby is one of the things they tell you to be mindful of, so we wanted to be sure. Better safe than sorry when it comes to my little Mini-Babe. Turns out she is fine, just a sleeper.

At church, one of our neighbors asked me which finger Mini-Babe had me wrapped around. “All of them.”

That’s My Boy

I have never doubted that The Bug is my son. Even though he doesn’t look like me (none of my kids do, they all look like Mega-Babe), his mannerisms are SO much like me. On the other hand, I have never seen much of myself in Donut. He is his mom’s kid for sure. This is all great and fine, but I would like to see a little of myself in all of my boys. As great as Mega-Babe is, I think I have one or two good qualities to share.

The other night, I found out that Donut is definitely my kid and that he picked up what I think is one of my very BEST qualities. Out of the blue, Donut asks me, “Do you want to hear what I did when I went poo at school today?”

The honest answer was no, I don’t want to hear this. This is a 6 year old boy and there is no telling how the end of this story is going to go. But cringing, wanting to be a supportive parent so he didn’t feel like he couldn’t come tell me things, I had him proceed with his story.

“After I was done, instead of unlocking the door and walking out, I crawled out under the door so it stayed locked so no one else could use it.”

I couldn’t help it, I just busted up laughing. I know, this is SO immature, but that is exactly what I used to do as a kid. Especially in bathrooms that only had one stall, I would laugh picturing the next person coming in who REALLY had to go and was waiting for whoever was in the stall to come out.

Things like this just make me laugh. I can’t help it. Even now (though I no longer crawl out under the door), at my work, I have figured out that if there is someone in the stall next to the handicap stall, if I slam the door on the handicap stall, it will make the door on the stall next to it open. Its funny to hear the panic from the person in the stall as all of a sudden their door starts to open. If someone is in the 2 stalls next to the handicap stall, an extra vigorous shut on the door will get them both. I will go into the handicap stall even if I don’t need to use it just so I can play this 3^rd grade prank….and I laugh EVERY time.

My only question for Donut was if he had washed his hands after doing that. “Yep”

That’s my boy!

Don’t judge me.

The Egg Soon Cometh

A little over a week and counting now until I join the ranks of the completely whooped. A little over a week and I will be turning into one of the biggest suckers in our solar system. At least, that is what my friends who have daughters tell me. Apparently there is nothing I can do about it. It is what happens to a man when he has a daughter. I am actually looking forward to it. It will actually give me a reason for occasionally…..or often acting like an idiot.

Donut, on the other hand, is not looking forward to having a little sister in the least. We took the boys with us when Mega-Babe got the ultrasound, and Donut was QUITE disappointed to find out that he was not getting another brother. He loves the all boys and Mommy dynamic we have going on right now. He has let us know his disappointment from time to time since that day, usually about once or twice a week.

One night, we were sitting at Mama and Pa’a’s house and Donut told me that we could have a girl, as long as it was twins and there was a boy in there too. I told him that if that happened, he would gain a brother and a sister, but lose a daddy to the loony bin. He wanted to know what a loony bin was.

Just the other morning, he and Mega-Babe were talking about it again and Mega-Babe said something like she was excited to see what Egg looked like. Donut said that he was excited to see if the doctor was wrong and it really was a boy. So Mega-Babe asked what if the doctor isn’t wrong and it is a girl. Donut told her we could sell her to the police for $5.

I really don’t know where all this comes from. He has girl cousins that he LOVES to play with. He has friends that are girls. I give this a week after Egg is born and Donut will be in love with her and totally a big brother.

With that, I want to remind you all that the “Name the Egg” contest is still going. You can still leave a comment with your nickname suggestions and Mega-Babe and I will wait to see what she looks like and pick the winner after she is born.

1……2…….

I may or may not have mentioned in the past that I have a real issue with someone telling me what to do. I have always lived under the delusion that I am above getting into trouble. I am going to do whatever I want to do unless someone can give me a good reason not to do it.

This is apparently a genetic disorder and is something I have passed on to my boys. I have lost count of the number of times we have told them to stop doing something, and they do it one more time, right in our face, as if to say, “What are you going to do about it?”

This drives Mega-Babe and I CRAZY. They really are good kids. I know this makes them sound like little brats, but I honestly think that they, like me, can’t help it. Little Woo hasn’t really shown his dark side yet, but it is still early and he is getting there…QUICKLY. Donut isn’t too bad at this most of the time, but The Bug is NOTORIOUS for this kind of behavior. He is constantly doing things that he KNOWS he shouldn’t be doing. I will usually come up and ask him, “Hey, are you supposed to do that?”

“No”

It is just the fact that we probably never gave him a good reason not to do it, so he does it anyway. He is definitely my kid.

This is the mentality that I have passed on to my children to one degree or another.

One Sunday, we were at church (I seem to have a lot of stories that happen to us at church), and Little Woo was eating a peanut butter sandwich that Mega-Babe had made for him and cut up into Little Woo sized bites because he didn’t wake up in time to have breakfast before we had to go to church. We don’t allow Donut and The Bug to have snacks at church because they are old enough to know better, plus they had breakfast before we left. Well, Donut was sneaky enough to snag a couple of the bites out of the bag before I could stop him. I told him to hand them over, and he handed me one of the bites, but put the other promptly behind his back. I was trying to be quiet, so I held up one finger (No, not the middle finger. I don’t flip off my own kids…..I only do that to other people’s kids. :) You all know the 3 count that every parent does. Like this is somehow supposed to be a threat to our kids. Something awful is supposed to happen if we get to 3, but the effect is always lessened by the fact that I don’t have anything tangible to do to them, especially at church.), Then I held up a second finger. At which point Donut realized what I was doing and as quick as he could, he shoved the piece into his mouth and gave me a look that clearly said, “HA-HA!” I couldn’t help it, I busted up laughing at the sheer audacity. Of course the timing for my fit of laughter couldn’t have been more inappropriate. And of course I laughed for a LONG time.

I seem to have another theme going this week.